Dances with Kali

So why have I started a blog? I mean, I'm not exactly drawn to trends. Okay, let's be honest, the rest of the world started their blogs about ten years ago so I'm not worried about being perceived as trendy. I'm the person who got my first cell phone about a month ago, who gets all excited after watching a DVD of the movie that wowed them at Sundance in aught – seven. And hey, have you seen this TV show “The Wire?” So I am certainly not trying to be cool and hip. Here's what inspired me to run and catch up with this bandwagon so that I could jump on it.

This past May, I was lying in bed drifting off to sleep and thinking random thoughts, the way you do, about my life past and present. I have a very deep and long history of depression and mental illness going back to early childhood. I mean, I was a self-harmer way before it was cool. I have spent the last 20 years working to overcome my issues, doing therapy and practising meditation, yoga, journalling, vocal toning, chakra work, reiki and other energy work, going to seminars and workshops on past life experiences and aromatherapy. I'm sure there are more modalities that I've tried – I've always been open to looking into anything that kindles a spark inside me. Not to say that all of these things were equally helpful, but I am still alive and I'm not so sure I would be otherwise.

Yet at this time and for the last two years, I haven't been doing any of these things. And as I lay in bed a couple of months ago, I asked myself why? After all these years of mental torment and pain, and all this time seeking and exploring, I just don't seem to be drawn to anything, old or new. At the same time, for the first time in my life I seem to be content with myself and my life. So I asked myself, does this mean that I have the answers that I was looking for? Or have I just become complacent?

Do you pray? What does prayer mean to you? I believe that we are surrounded by a divine energy, which I don't always call God but you certainly can. Our minds are always chattering away, constantly giving out thoughts and questions, many of which are fleeting and self-contradicting. I think Morrissey expressed it well in his beautiful song lyric: “I was looking for a job and then I found a job and heaven knows I'm miserable now”. We want, and sometimes we get, and then we change our minds and decide we wanted something else all along. But there are times when the mind and the heart unify in expressing a desire and that is a powerful thing. That is true prayer.

Like a lot of “westerners”, I was brought up in a Christian, specifically Catholic, tradition. The vocabulary and rituals of this heritage are deeply tied into my childhood memories. I believe that all religious practices are both equally true and equally flawed. The truth comes from the divine wisdom that is inside all of us, the flaws from our so human need to express the ineffable. Why we choose to follow one religion over another often comes down to how much we wish to abide by the beliefs of our ancestors. I was speaking with a young Chinese student once who was brought up as a Buddhist, and he expressed his view that Christianity was the superior faith because it wasn't as fraught with superstition and fear. I doubt that there many Catholics or adult converts to Buddhism who wouldn't be slightly taken aback by that statement!

Like my student, and many adolescents, I went through a lengthy phase of examining the ideas and beliefs that had been passed down to me and either accepting or, more usually, rejecting them. Adolescence is the time in our lives when we go through the closets of our heritage, so to speak, and decide what to keep and what to pack up and send to the Sally Ann. If we come back around to some of our parents' beliefs, such as religious faith, the terms and practices that we grew up with are like those clothes we put in garbage bags. They are wrinkled and slightly smelly, and though we could launder and iron them, it can be more expedient to acquire new ones.

Personally, I never stopped believing in a divine power, but I sure had trouble for a while with having a way to think about it. I had a huge discomfort with Catholicism and Christianity in general. As I matured, I had many beautiful experiences with yoga which familiarized me with the core tenets of Hinduism and Sikhism and though it's probably just my imagination, they feel like they fit me better than Christianity. Or maybe the colours just appeal to me more. Which brings me to the title of this essay, Dances with Kali.

Hinduism, as you probably know, is a poly-theistic religion. I wish that I knew more people who grew up in traditional Hindu households so that I could ask them about this, but it seems to me that the belief in many gods and goddesses is a way of understanding and expressing the innumerable aspects of divine nature. Having different names and archetypal characteristics for their divinities allows practitioners of Hinduism a way of focussing on just one aspect at a time according to need. It isn't meant to be a literal expression of what God is, does, or looks like. For example, I don't think that Hindus really believe that there was once a monkey god who wore a lot of red and could jump over oceans. But having read the stories about Hanuman, and understanding that his key characteristics were his bravery and dedication in his service to God, when one repeats a chant about Hanuman, one is expressing a desire to share these traits. Catholics do something similar with patron saints. I mean, a man who wishes to be a better husband could pray to God directly, but praying to Saint Joseph keys into that desire and invites divine guidance and wisdom in that area.

In Hinduism, Kali is a particularly interesting goddess. She is often depicted with a string of human skulls around her waist and other similarly gruesome accoutrements. But she is not interested in material destruction. What Kali energy does is break down a person's false perceptions and self-serving beliefs so that one can re-build on a truer foundation. Scary stuff! And not a situation to be entered into lightly.

Well, there I was a few months ago, blithely asking myself if I was getting complacent, and not completely understanding what I was opening myself up to. But there she was, Kali-ma, circling around and looking for an opportunity to help me answer that question. And I swear, not two weeks later, I was called into my principal's office (don't you hate when that happens?) and told that I had been re-assigned and would not be doing the job that I have loved so much and that has provided me with so much happiness. I had no recourse and no other options.

There went my contentment. Soon to be followed by my ability to sleep and eventually many aspects of my health. I was plunged into the deepest depression that I have known for many years. The three-legged stool upon which I had based my happiness (I'd tell you what the other two legs are, but I'm not entirely sure that Kali has finished with me..) was completely destabilized. Well, what can a person do when that happens but re-build? For me, that included a decision to re-formulate my identity. Here's the old me: an exclusive club where members only are privy to my thoughts and feelings. And the new me? An open book that anyone with an internet connection can browse through. I don't know if it will help. I'm having fun,anyways. But I've got to tell you – I am being very careful about what I wish for.